Tomorrow is Judgement Day, which is a shame because I didn’t get anyone a card. It’s also a shame because just as the world descends into its final days, I came up with a solution to all of the world’s problems!
Crap, talk about timing. Well, really I wan’t the one who came up with the solutions. I just followed the template as laid out by President Obama in dealing with The Jews.
For those of you who don’t know, there have been recent problems between Israel and the Palestinians. I lost track of who started it. Maybe the Israelies got mad at the Palestinians because they were raining rockets down on their homes. Or maybe the Palestinians are furious with the Israelies because – they’re alive. Who knows how these things happen.
Anyway, President Obama recently hit on a brilliant solution for peace between the two warring factions: Israel should give up its land and go back to the borders it had in 1967! This is GENIUS! The Time Machine/Reset button is a strategy that is seldom used but much needed.
But you have to ask yourself, if we do THIS, why stop there? There are so many other problems that we could fix if only we used Obama’s Time Machine Reset Formula.
Let’s explore.
Issue: Immigration
Problem: We have so many many trucks coming over to the states , each filled with hundreds of illegal aliens. Not only do they take up the car pool lanes, they also take our jobs. Right now, there is some high school kid doing nothing, when he could be at a restaurant, also doing nothing – but getting paid and learning valuable life skills. Today’s busbuy is tomorrow’s food server!
Solution – Time Machine Reset – America returns to its borders of 1846. Lots of people don’t know this but American states such as California and Texas at one time belonged to Mexico. Didn’t you ever wonder why so many cities have Spanish names? You probably thought we were trying to be more socially aware. By giving our land back to the Mexicans, we would have no more problems with illegal immigrants because – surprise – this would be their land again. Mexico, of course, would have to deal with all those migrant white families. Unlike America, Mexico enforces their immigration laws.
Problem: Racial Tensions. Let’s face it. Blacks and whites have problems living together. It’s okay to say it – White people scare us! How can we make fix this? Do we reach out in the spirit of friendship and togetherness? Do we have community outreach events where we talk out our differences?
Solution – Time Machine Reset. The Civil Rights Act passed in 1964 and things haven’t been the same. With one quick reset, I could have my very own water fountain!! Sure, our President would be half-banned on either side of the lunch counter, but that’s a small price to pay for finally letting people end their conflicts.
Problem: Global Warming. The earth is getting colder. I mean, hotter. This is a very dangerous thing because the ice caps could melt thus washing out the state of Callifornia and forever depressing the good people of Mexico. I’m told other people live in the world but I haven’t been able to Google that and make sure it’s true.
Solution – Time Machine Reset to … the ICE AGE. It was the time of Wooly Mammoths and all sorts of great stuff. The earth was so cold, a caveman could come home asking “Honey, do we have any ice cold beer?” and of course, the wife always said UGH (which meant yes in wife caveman language). Besides, this would ensure that the Ice Caps would be in their ideal state, covering the entire planet. Not only that, but people afraid to fly could now DRIVE to Europe, provided your average family could put up with several thousand miles worth of Ice Cold Are We There Yets!
The possbilities are endless. If you disagree with my plans, please feel free to sound off in the comments sections. Of course it will hurt my feelings. But that’s okay.
I’ll just reset everything to last week.