Porn Stars: They give good read

Kudos to adult film actresses for reading to first graders. it is so nice to see these young ladies out, about, clothed and involved. The Los Angeles school district invited porn star Sasha Grey to come read to first graders. Who could be offended by THAT?

Bi the way, the books read by Sasha:

Melanie Masters the Organ
The Chick and the Cock
Heather Has Two Mommies and Three Best Friends

I, for one, am proud to be seeing so much more of this lady. Or is that less?

Debate pics

My Thoughts – We really have to choose one, huh?

It’s easy to say that Obama is in trouble and would lose to an unnamed candidate in 2012.  Unfortunately – and I’ve researched this – we have to have a NAMED candidate on the ballot.

I’m looking at the GOP frontrunners, backrunners, tablerunners, and such and I just can’t get too excited about any of them.

My feelings.

Governor Rick Perry:  If he doesn’t win the role of President of the  United States, he could still be President. Of the Hair Club for Men.  I’m sure it’s real hair, but the Hair Helmet things just feels too weird.He also reminds me a lot of Blagojevich.

Ick. The Hair.

Governor Christie. I’m sure he would make a great President. But then we’d have to get a bigger Oval office after his complaining that it fit “a little tight around the middle.”  Goodness that man is fat.

Can a fat politician EVER become president.

(At a press conference)

Chrisite:  “And I pledge to cut out billions of dollars of fat!”

Heckler: “How? Are you skipping lunch?”

Bachmann. (Sexily growls: Grrrrrrr)

Maybe it’s me but she’s cute.  She looks great in a business suit.  She’s a tea party favorite.  Not the national tea party.  The one held each Saturday at Muffy’s house. Sure she said that the best way to handle china was to make sure it was clean and put it away in a nice cabinet but – did I mention that she’s cute.  Hmm. I might vote for this one.

Sarah Palin. Sarah is cute too but I want to stab a pencil through my ear drums every time she talks.  Screaming Banshees turn to each other and say, “Damn, that sound is annoying.” Unless we can hire someone to be her voice and have her do four years of lip synching, I don’t think I could stand it.

Romney. I’m pretty sure that hair is Photoshopped.  Even in real life it is photoshopped.  Are you one of those  tea party “racists?”  Do you like Obama but can’t stand having a black president?  Well – Obama comes in white. His name is Mitt Romney. He’s taller too.  Massachussetesetestst. (spelling approximated) is living under Romney care.  A plan instituted to make sure that everyone got medical coverage. High expenses. High cost increases. And still lots of people- get this – with no coverage. Nice job, Romney.

The black pizza guy.  Herman? That can’t be his name. Black people don’t get named Herman. Anyway, he won Florida, mostly because they thought he was Cuban. Is his name really Herman? I want to see his birth certificate too.

Anyone else?

It’ll come to me later.

Enough of the deep thoughs.

Later on, I’m sure I’ll have the name of the ideal candidate.

No- scratch that. The ideal candidate has no name.

Reclaiming our Credit Rating – Tip #1

The good news is that I have answrs. The bad news is that seldom are people asking questions.

ay. Today is the day I fix America and get it back on track to making it the Third Greatest Country on the planet!!!

So we lost our AAA credit rating. As Obama said, despite what the Experts say, we will always be a AAA nation.  Meaning we are broken down on the side of the road an we are waiting for AAA.

We don’t have to let credit downgrade ruin our lives.  Honestly, the next time that France visits us, do you really want our front showing dried weeds and an old car factory on cinder blocks?

So how to we get back on track?  Follow my simple steps and before you know it, the White House mailbox will be flooded with tons of Pre-Approved Offers.

Step #1.

Re-establish credit by thinking small.  When trying to reestablish credit, it is imoportant to start with the smaller steps. You may not have the money to fight every single war you want. You may not have the funds to provide free health care for everyone. But think. What CAN you do?  Maybe you can buy something big but that nobody would ever notice. Like MSNBC. 

Once you have made a few payments, your creditors will see you are serious about rebuilding your credit. Before you know it, you’ll be able able to borrow from Peter to pay Paul.  And if all goes well, you might even borrown from John to pay Peter.  This could work!

Autopen and Teleprompter Honor The Fallen

Today at the White House, Autopen and Teleprompter took time out of their schedules to issue a statement for the Memorial Day Weekend. 

Said Teleprompter, without any prompting…

“Time has proven again and again that our most precious asset is not gold, or silver or any physical item. Our most precious asset is freedom.

This weekend, we celebrate and honor those who gave their lives in freedom’s defense.  These were brave soldiers, and sailors. Airmen and Marines. Members of the Coast Guard.  They kissed their loved ones goodbye, hugged, and left for their mission – with their loved ones hoping to see them again someday.  They never returned.

Freedom is gift is that is passed down from generation to generation. It is paid for with the lives of those who gave their all in its defense. Let us never forget those who are not with us here today.

Today, let us honor them. Let us offer our prayers. Let us offer our thanks. Let us offer our eternal gratitude.”

After delivering this message, teleprompter turned the stage over to AutoPen who then proceeded to sign an extension of the Patriot Act.  Reporters greeted the act with applause – and then were promptly strip-searched and their computers confiscated. In the name of freedom.

AutoPen also took time out to sign several other executive orders and laws. Many of these – in keeping with  President Obama’s pledge of openness – have been marked as classified.

Wait! I’m still here?

Sigh.

No rapture. No judgement day. No chance to float to heaven while laughing at atheists chanting ‘Who’s laughing now, Dinosaur Boy?”

For those of you who were not following the story, Harold Camping had predicted the end of the world on Saturday.  After extensive Googling, I have been able to verify that the world is still here. So there was no rapture. No earthquakes as predicted. No bloody mayhem and careless destruction.  How depressing.

So what do you say to the world when you have been telling it it’s about to come to a near and certain death and then realize that nothing has changed?

I think I know!

Top Things Said by Harold Camping After Miscalculating Judgement Day

**

10. Damn watch calculator. The buttons are so tiny.

**

9. ** Which calendar should I have used? Gregorian or Mayan?

***

8. But i just finished watching Apocalypse Now!!

**

7.  Is this a bad time to ask for donations?

**

6. I WAS going to say that God gave us more time, but I didn’t want to sound like a nut job.

**

5.  Crap!  Missed it again! Best 4 out of 5??

**

4.  Er. Um.. Judgement day IS coming. Uh. Don’t forget to text your vote!!

**

3. OMGNRT (Oh My God, No Rapture Today)

**

2.  Okay. Maybe it’s not the end of the world.  But you have to admit, things are really bad right now, right?  Am I right? 

**

And the number one thing that Harold Camping said after discovering he was wrong about judgement day

Read more »

Solutions! AKA Why Didn’t I Think of THAT?

Tomorrow is Judgement Day, which is a shame because I didn’t get anyone a card.  It’s also a shame because just as the world descends into its final days, I came up with a solution to all of the world’s problems!

Crap, talk about timing. Well, really I wan’t the one who came up with the solutions. I just followed the template as laid out by President Obama in dealing with The Jews.

For those of you who don’t know, there have been recent problems between Israel and the Palestinians. I lost track of who started it. Maybe the Israelies got mad at the Palestinians because they were raining rockets down on their homes. Or maybe the Palestinians are furious with the Israelies because – they’re alive.  Who knows how these things happen.

Anyway, President Obama recently hit on a brilliant solution for peace between the two warring factions: Israel should give up its land and go back to the borders it had in 1967!   This is GENIUS!  The Time Machine/Reset button is a strategy that is seldom used but much needed.  

But you have to ask yourself, if we do THIS, why stop there? There are so many other problems that we could fix if only we used Obama’s Time Machine Reset Formula.

Let’s explore.

Issue: Immigration

Problem: We have so many many trucks coming over to the states , each filled with hundreds of illegal aliens. Not only do they take up the car pool lanes, they also take our jobs.  Right now, there is some high school kid doing nothing, when he could be at a restaurant, also doing nothing – but getting paid and learning valuable life skills.  Today’s busbuy is tomorrow’s food server!

Solution – Time Machine Reset – America returns to its borders of 1846. Lots of people don’t know this but American states such as California and Texas at one time belonged to Mexico. Didn’t you ever wonder why so many cities have Spanish names?  You probably thought we were trying to be more socially aware.  By giving our land back to the Mexicans, we would have no more problems with illegal immigrants because – surprise – this would be their land again. Mexico, of course, would have to deal with all those migrant white families.  Unlike America, Mexico enforces their immigration laws.

Problem: Racial Tensions. Let’s face it. Blacks and whites have problems living together. It’s okay to say it – White people scare us! How can we make fix this?  Do we reach out in the spirit of friendship and togetherness? Do we have community outreach events where we talk out our differences? 

Solution – Time Machine Reset. The Civil Rights Act passed in 1964 and things haven’t been the same.  With one quick reset, I  could have my very own water fountain!!  Sure, our President would be half-banned on either side of the lunch counter, but that’s a small price to pay for finally letting people end their conflicts.

Problem: Global Warming. The earth is getting colder. I mean, hotter. This is a very dangerous thing because the ice caps could melt thus washing out the state of Callifornia and forever depressing the good people of Mexico. I’m told other people live in the world but I haven’t been able to Google that and make sure it’s true.

Solution – Time Machine Reset  to … the ICE AGE. It was the time of Wooly Mammoths and all sorts of great stuff. The earth was so cold,  a caveman could come home asking “Honey, do we have any ice cold beer?” and of course, the wife always said UGH (which meant yes in wife caveman language).  Besides, this would ensure that the Ice Caps would be in their ideal state, covering the entire planet. Not only that, but people afraid to fly could now DRIVE to Europe, provided your average family could put up with several thousand miles worth  of Ice Cold Are We There Yets!

The possbilities are endless.  If you disagree with my plans, please feel free to sound off in the comments sections. Of course it will hurt my feelings. But that’s okay.

I’ll just reset everything to last week.

Is there an App for that?

Okay,

Maybe it’s me, but I think McDonalds is taking it too far.  In Europe, they are going to experiment with letting customers order their food with a touch screen.  So gone is the pimple faced kid getting your order wrong. Now it will all be YOUR fault.  Or a computer error.

Touchscreen? Oooh. Gross. sometimes I don’t even like touching my OWN touchscreen, much less one that’s been touched by hundreds of oily fingers.  Personally, I like having greasy fingers AFTER  I’m done with my fast food.

I hope this touch screen idea comes to America. It will be awesome. Customers will be abel to look at the screen and choose their preferred language: Spanish, English,  or English with a heavy Spanish accent.

In another completely different story…

The British are so broke that they have taken to borrowing a spy plane from us. Hey, what are allies for. Of course we’ll give them the keys to the spy plane, but they have to promise to bring it back with a full tank of gas.  The British of course are concerned with having enough protection for their ships in Libya.

Here’s hoping things go well. Of course, we’ll know the British have found something when they come back to us asking to borrow a gun.

See? I didn’t forget about my little blog.

Today’s Entry: To Go

Hi,

Recently we learned that the United States will be able to talk to some of the wives who lived with Bin Laden. We will be able to ask them questions such as “Was he plotting something big?”, ” Did he discuss any future attacks”, and “Don’t you ladies ever clean your house?”

Bin Laden is dead. The world will miss his silly videos. We will have to content ourselves with fun videos of cats playing piano.

Bin Laden  had a great time trying to outsmart us.  We thought he was some sort of genius. Turns out his grades were well below C-Level. HAHAHAHAHAA get it  Sea Level?

Ahem. Moving on.

McDonalds is on a new campaign to upgrade their image.   The new restaurants are meant to project a more relaxed environment.  McDonalds is so commited to changing it’s image that they also announced the Hamburgler will be running for Congress.

Really. McDonalds is trying to be more like Starbucks. they want to have an atmosphere that is more like Starbucks. 

Because that’s what I REALLY want when I’m in line for lunch. .

Customer: I’d like a Big Mac Meal Please, non-fat cheese, and two shots of ketchup.

McDonald’s Employee:  Sure, would you like that supersize that?

Customer:  Yes, make that a Grande

McDonald’s Employee: Would you like to add our newest CD “Ronald McDonald sings the hits of Nat King Cole?”

I’m old fashioned. I prefer my fast food fast, and my slow coffee overpriced.

Princess Fergie was upset that she was not invited to the royal wedding. Poor thing. All she wanted was two tickets so she could watch the two lovebirds marry while sitting next to (Insert name of highest bidder here).

Okay. That enough.

Walk. Jog. Walk. Jog.

It’s slowly but surely coming back to me.

Move along.

What Was Really Said…

As many of you know, I have tremendous psychic powers. This allows me the ability to look at a picture and know ALL of the things that were being thought.

It’s a gift. 

Take this one for example.

 It’s a classic picture but completely misunderstood.  Is Hillary about to kiss Gates? Is she checking her breath? Probably.

Likewise, I have amazing insight into all the things that President Obama was thinking.

Top Things Obama was Really Thinking

(Note: This is not a top ten.  I’ve been gone too long and you’re lucky if i can come up with three, so be patient.)

10.  “Click A then B, Dammit. I don’t think this controller is working? Can I reset?”

9.  The helicopter lost a tail?  It’ll grow back, right?

8.  I should lighten the tension and tell everyone they have my SEAL of approval. I kill me.

7. I kill Bin Laden. I kill Bin Laden

6. Okay. Let’s see if people will still keep mistakenly calling me Obama. I mean, Osama!

5. I love these Navy SEALS. I have to remember to cut their budget.

4. All I see is scraggly unkempt wasteland. Oh, that’s just Biden’s hair plugs.

3. Darn burritos!! “Hey, who farted?”

2. This is sooo gonna improve my street cred. My new name will be Da Oh Bee!

And the number one thing Obama was thinking as he sat in this picture…

Read more »